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(grand orchestral fanfare playing)
(speaking Minionese)
(yelling)
(chuckles) Ah.
(electrical buzzing)
Ah. Hmm.
(yells)
(screaming)
(chuckles) Stuart.
(whimpers, yells)
Illumination!
(Minions laughing)
(“Double Life” by Pharrell Williams playing)
♪ That’s the question ♪
♪ Who will Gru be tonight? ♪
♪ That’s the question ♪
♪ Hey, what are you hiding? ♪
♪ Whatcha doing when you gone? ♪
♪ Nothing wrong being private ♪
♪ Make sure it ain’t wrong ♪
♪ Your life doublesided ♪
♪ Twofaced like coins ♪
♪ What side do I get? ♪
♪ Which side are you on? ♪
♪ So what have you done? ♪
(tires squealing)
♪ Some of your dirt has come to light ♪
♪ Why were you ♪
♪ Speeding up that hill ♪
(bleating)
♪ Until the brakes came off? ♪
♪ And someone saw you in a fight ♪
(tires squealing)
♪ Am I right? ♪
♪ I know you heard the rumors ♪
♪ You must get over to it right away ♪
♪ If anyone can do it ♪
♪ You gotta get there soon, it’s not okay ♪
♪ You got cars to drive, plenty jets to fly ♪
♪ When will you arrive? ♪
♪ You’re running outta time ♪
♪ Don’t you see that everything is on the line? ♪
♪ Am I right? ♪
♪ Who will you be tonight? ♪
♪ That’s the question ♪
♪ Who will Gru be tonight? ♪
♪ That’s the question ♪
♪ The thrill of the double life. ♪
(car alarm chirps)
(song ends)
(tires squealing)
(both grunting, straining)
(creaking)
(yelps, groans)
(laughing)
Phil, Ron, Ralph, stay focused!
(laughing stops)
Ah. Okay, okay.
(grunts softly)
Okay, our target is Maxime Le Mal,
one of the AntiVillain League’s most wanted.
And trust me, a real jerk.
So, there is no room for error. Got it?
ALL: Si, boss.
Uh, boss? Uh, Gru?
(“Word Up!” by Cameo playing)
(lively chatter, laughter)
♪ Yo, pretty ladies around the world ♪
♪ Got a weird thing to show you ♪
♪ So tell all the boys and girls… ♪
(gasps) Phil! Ron!
Huh?
Looka! Looka! Oh!
Yummos!
(chattering in Minionese)
Come here, come here.
(all panting)
(speaking excitedly in Minionese)
Ah.
Pusha. Pusha.
(others straining)
Ah…
(muffled): Helpa. Ah, helpa.
Ah.
Ah. Oh, helpa.
(munching loudly)
MAXIME: Kids can be so cruel, but Maxime can be even crueler!
(Maxime laughing)
(laughing): Oh!
(gasps)
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
If it isn’t Gruser the Loser. (laughs)
Well, if it isn’t Maxime Le Mal.
You look…
Magnificent?
Yes, I know.
What did you think, huh? I was going to look like a bald loser with a dad bod?
Oops, looks like you beat me to it, no?
Well, that’s not…
(guests oohing)
BOTH: Ooh!
Oh.
It’s good to laugh, no?
(laughs)
Anyway, you remember my girlfriend, Valentina?
She was captain of the Femme Fatales cheer squad and the most popular girl in school, huh?
I remember.
Good to see you, Valentina.
(scoffs)
(dog growls)
(laughs) What happened, Gru?
All your dreams of becoming a famous villain, they go poofpoof, huh?
(laughs)
(others laughing)
Well, I don’t know if you know, but I did manage to steal the moon.
Really?
You mean that moon?
(laughing)
PRINCIPAL UBELSCHLECHT: Is this on?
Can I have everyone’s attention, please?
Good evening, and welcome, Lycee Pas Bon alumni. Now, we’re going to kick off the festivities by announcing the winner of our most coveted award, the Golden Alumni.
(cheering, applause)
And so, without further ado, the winner of this year’s Golden Alumni is, uh… oh, my favorite student, Maxime Le Mal!
What? What?
Oh, thank you.
Are you kidding me?
Thank you. Merci. Merci beaucoup.
Mais non, you don’t have to.
(groans)
(“Unbelievable” by EMF plays)
(laughing)
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
♪ You’re unbelievable. ♪
(song stops)
Thank you. I’m sure you all know that I have something very big in the works. Now, some of you laughed at my childhood obsession with cockroaches. (chuckles) But I quickly learned that they are a miracle of evolution.
(crowd gasping, murmuring)
(cockroach chatters)
And I have found a way to harness the strength and the speed and the what is the word? unsquishability of the most powerful creature on the planet. Which makes me indestructible and unstoppable!
CROWD (chanting): Maxime! Maxime! Maxime!
Behold, the power of the cockroach!
(straining)
(creaking)
(grunts)
(yells)
(grunting)
(yells) Oh!
(gasps)
Ah.
(Maxime laughing)
(crowd cheering)
Ah. (grunts)
(yells, laughs)
(roaring)
Aah, aah! Stop! Oh, oh, stoppa!
Aah! Stoppa!
So, my sad little friend, what do you say about that, huh?
Well, I’d say you’re under arrest, courtesy of the AntiVillain League.
(chuckling): Oh, I don’t think so, mon ami.
Oh, yeah? Goop Grenade!
(grunts, groans)
(straining)
(grunting)
(laughs, grunts)
Move in.
AVL!
Stay where you are!
Move, move, move!
(grunts, gasps)
(groans)
(grunting and groaning)
(yells)
Stay there!
(electrical crackling)
(yelps, whimpers)
Freeze!
(weapon blasting)
(grunting)
(whooshing)
(yells, groans)
Gotcha.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No!
This is not happening.
(dog whimpering)
C’est impossible. (grunts)
Get your hands off of me!
(groans) I… I am commanding you to let…
(laughing)
So long, Maxime.
Who’s the loser now?
(blows raspberry)
Loser!
BOTH: Loser! Loser!
(Maxime yelling)
(all gasp)
(electrical buzzing)
(rapid grunting)
This is not over!
(all whimpering)
You won’t always have the AVL to fight your battles, you coward.
Mark my words, I will exterminate you!
(Maxime laughing wildly)
What?
(clanking)
(chuckles)
Not, uh… not scary at all.
(laughs nervously)
♪ ♪
(birds chirping)
♪ ♪
(Lucky bleating)
(Kyle grunting)
Hello, everybody.
EDITH: Gru, what’s up?
AGNES: Hey, Gru!
Hey, Gru.
I’m so happy you’re here!
What’s shaking in the Gru house?
Look what I taught Lucky.
Lucky, sit.
(bleating)
(grunts, passes gas)
Aw, Lucky. I said “sit.”
(bleats)
(laughing)
Well, it is only his first lesson.
Uh, maybe we practice outside from now on.
There’s my favorite husband.
Did you remember to get the milk?
Well, yes. They had a few kinds.
They got the almond milk, soy milk, hemp milk, oat milk, goat milk, chocolate milk, halfandhalf, powdered and of magnesia.
What about regular milk?
Uh, they don’t make that anymore.
Oh.
Wait a minute.
One, two, three girls.
(Agnes giggling)
One wife.
Something is missing.
(girls laughing)
No, I think that’s all of us, yeah.
You know what, I keep forgetting this guy!
(laughing, babbling)
(laughing): Oh!
There’s my boy!
There he is.
(cooing)
Acoochiecoochie coochiecoochie.
Where is Daddy’s hug?
Oh, looks like somebody’s a little cranky.
(fussing)
Behind that sourpuss,
I know you love your dada!
Go on, say it. “Dada.”
“Dada.”
Yes, of course he loves you.
(laughing)
He just… he just doesn’t show it on his face.
Or with his body language.
(chuckles) Right, Gru Jr.? Come on.
Show Daddy how much you love him.
Oh, I know what will make you happy.
Mmm. Bahama Medley.
(fusses, squeals)
No?
It’s from the Bahamas all of them.
Look. Oh, so yummy.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
(gags, coughs)
(laughing)
Oh, that really tastes like the Bahamas.
See? He loves his daddy.
He’s sharing. (chuckles)
(Gru Jr. laughing)
Phil, Ralph, Ron.
(Minions grunting rapidly)
(“Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen playing)
(speaks Minionese)
(babbles, speaks Minionese)
(laughing)
(toothbrush buzzing)
(speaking Minionese)
(groans)
(grunting)
(yelps)
(speaks Minionese)
(speaking Minionese)
(drill whirring)
(speaking Minionese)
(song stops)
(bell dings)
Thanks, guys.
(doorbell rings)
Ramsbottom?
“Bottom.”
(all laughing)
I need a word with you both.
Sure, but what…
I’m sorry, there’s no time for chitchat.
Maxime Le Mal has sent you a message from prison.
(static crackling)
Bonjour, Gru.
I know you can hear me, so hear this.
You think you can humiliate me and get away with it, yes?
But no! When I break out of prison,
I’m coming for my revenge, Gru, but this time, I won’t go so easy on you.
(laughs)
And I know where you live, so you’d better sleep with one eye open, ’cause you can’t hide from me. (laughs)
Sweet dreams, Gruser!
(laughs)
(both gasp)
Don’t worry, he can’t get out of there.
(chuckling): It’s a maximum security prison.
Ah, yes, well, um… (clears throat)
he escaped yesterday.
What?!
Leave our home?
Oh, no, you’re gonna love it.
It’sit’s called the safe house, and it’s fun, and it’s safe, and it’s fantastic, and we’re going.
Yeah, you’ll get a new room, go to a new school.
That’ll be fun, right?
Everything’s gonna be new. We love new.
What about all my friends?
You’ll make new friends, probably better ones.
(Margo groans)
I can’t believe this.
GRU: Yes, yes.
Lot of emotions, big life change.
Less talking, more walking.
Come on. Here we go.
♪ ♪
(Minions grunting)
(Lucky bleats)
(Margo grunts)
(Agnes sniffles, whimpers)
I’m sorry you can’t go with us, Lucky.
(bleats)
Take good care of him.
(bleats)
Be good, Lucky.
Don’t forget to practice your tricks.
(vehicle door closes)
(sighs)
We’ll arrive at the AVL safe house in a few hours.
Mayflower is a lovely town.
A lovely, safe, boring town.
Trust me, it is for the best, Gru.
And what about Grandma?
And Uncle Dru?
I’m sorry, no one can know of your whereabouts.
Not even family.
Bingo, there’s your silver lining.
And you promise to take care of the other Minions?
They’ll be safe and sound at AVL headquarters.
I have big plans for them.
(scoffs) Good luck with that.
(“Boombayah” by Blackpink playing)
♪ Been a bad girl, I know I am ♪
♪ And I’m so hot, I need a fan ♪
♪ I don’t want a boy, I need a man… ♪
(Minions laughing, chattering)
(noisemakers blaring)
(whooping)
(groans) That is it!
(tires squealing)
(grunting, noisemaker blares)
(song stops)
(Minions chattering)
Quiet!
(chattering stops)
You are now on Carl’s bus.
And Carl is a longtime AVL employee whose retirement benefits are almost vested, so while on Carl’s bus, you follow Carl’s rules.
(teeth chattering)
No shenanigans, no antics and no tomfoolery.
Tom?
(blows raspberry)
So this ends now, or you’re gonna see a side of Carl you do not want to see.
Do I make myself clear?! (groans)
MINION: Bazooka!
(laughter)
(noisemakers blaring)
(song resumes)
♪ Yah yah yah, boombayah… ♪
(Minions shouting wildly)
(Carl groaning)
Carl does not like this!
Watch your hands. What are you doing?
Who’s pinching?! No!
(horn toots)
♪ Yah, yah, yah, yah ♪
♪ Let’s go! ♪
♪ Oohooh. ♪
(song ends)
♪ ♪
SILAS: Here we are, the town of Mayflower.
The safe house has been used to protect our agents for decades now.
Oh, look at that place.
LUCY: Wow, look at these lawns, the flowers.
EDITH (laughing): Whoa, that is cool!
Are we really gonna live here?
(gasps) Look at that fountain!
Whoa.
EDITH: Awesome.
(snoring)
Oh, is that one ours?
Uh, uh, looka. (giggles)
Whoa!
MARGO: Look at that!
AGNES: Oh, that’s pretty!
LUCY: I could get used to this.
(snorting)
(laughing)
AGNES: Ooh, it looks like a princess lives there!
And here it is.
Your new home.
(crows cawing)
Oh.
Hmm. No fountain.
I’m sure it’s gonna be great.
Come on.
♪ ♪
Wow, it’s so… cold and uninviting.
But in a homey kind of way.
(chuckles)
What?
Yes, everything here is AVL standard.
What it lacks in comfort, it more than makes up for in functionality.
ThThere’s even a fully automated lockdown mode.
Isn’t that fun?
Ooh, full lockdown mode. (chuckles)
(unenthusiastically): Yay.
(gasps) It has a vending machine!
I love this place!
(gasps, speaks Minionese)
(grunts)
(shouts in Minionese)
(gasps, speaks Minionese)
Uh, uh, looka.
(screams, yells in Minionese)
(laughing)
This will be great.
All right, now down to business.
For your own safety, you’ll all be assuming new identities.
New identities? Is that really necessary?
It’s not up for debate, Gru.
(Gru Jr. fussing)
Now, you are a solar panel salesman.
Lucy, you’re a hair stylist at an upscale salon.
(gasps) A hair stylist?
(Gru Jr. squeals happily)
Yes! Jackpot!
Silas, did you choose that because you knew I cut my own hair and that I would totally rock at this?
No.
“Chet Cunningham.”
Da, that’s got a nice ring to it.
SILAS: Girls.
(chuckling): Cool.
I’m Blair.
Britney?
My name is Bree?
Oh, come on. There are worse names than Bree.
Yeah, like Blanche.
(laughs) Yes, Margo.
Blanche? Oh, that is a terrible name.
(chuckles)
Imagine being named Blanche.
Truly, I cannot think of a worse…
My name’s Blanche, isn’t it?
Yup.
(laughter)
Well, I’ll get used to it.
Well, why don’t you girls go and pick out your rooms while I have a word with your parents?
Yes, II didn’t want to frighten the girls, but it is absolutely crucial you keep your true identities under wraps.
Gru, you’re going to have to try to not be so Gruish.
What is that supposed to mean?
Well, I’m just saying you tend to stand out in a crowd.
That’s all. You know, you, uh…
Like the way you’re always cranky and irritable and, uh, how you make things a bit awkward for everyone around you.
You do do that. (laughs)
I mean, you, you know, you…
Okay, enough.
I don’t make people awkward or uncomfortable.
I’m very comforting.
Like a nice meat loaf.
I’m pretty delicious.
This is not awkward.
You’re the ones who are making it awkward.
Gru, you have to blend in.
Your family’s lives are at stake.
You understand?
Of course. Yes. Fully understand.
We would do anything to keep our family safe. Yeah.
Right, well, I’ll be in contact when this is all over.
Until then, capturing Maxime Le Mal is our top priority.
Stay safe.
(door closes)
(Gru Jr. chuckles)
You know what, Gru? Maybe this isn’t so bad.
We need a break from chasing down villains and dangerous missions, right?
We can actually be a normal family for once.
(gasps) And I can finally spend some little bonding time with the baby.
It’s gonna be great, right, pal?
Who’s got your nose? Who’s got…
Aah! He’s got my nose!
(Gru Jr. laughing)
(groans)
Quite the grip there.
The kid is strong.
(groans)
(Gru Jr. squeals happily)
Ah.
(cockroach chattering)
♪ ♪
(chatters)
(yells)
(grunts, chatters)
(“Freedom” by Pitbull playing)
♪ Let’s be free, baby, and cruise the world ♪
♪ Are you with it, girl? ♪
♪ I’m free to do what I want and have a good time… ♪
(laughing)
Thank you. Look at everyone.
Yes. We are having a good time, right?
(singing along): ♪ I’m free to do what I want ♪
♪ And have a good time… ♪
(whooping)
(laughs) No, I love you.
Thank you, my beautiful army.
Maxime’s back, baby! (laughs)
(cheering)
And a special merci beaucoup to everyone who helped me break out of AVL prison.
Todd and Linda, where are you? Where are you?
Yes. For distracting the guards.
Oh, très magnifique.
(whooping)
(laughs) Now, silence!
(cheering and whooping stop)
We must make Gru suffer for arresting me.
(laughs)
And what better way than to take away from him his precious little baby?
Oh, I want to take that baby! (laughs)
(gasps, exclaims)
(whistling, cheering)
Oh, Maxime.
No, no, wait, wait.
Not Maxime.
What if I start going by Cockroach Man?
Huh? Little on the nose, but it is very clear, huh?
It’s good, no?
(scoffs)
I’m not calling you that stupid name, but I love this evil plan.
Well, Gru has it coming.
He humiliated me in front of the whole school.
I had my trophy and everything.
But now the game begins!
(cockroach exclaims)
He runs and hides like the mouse, and we find him like the cat!
Game on.
(Ron chuckles)
Stoppa. Stoppa.
(chuckling continues)
Stoppa. Stoppa.
(exclaims in Minionese)
Stoppa!
(laughing)
♪ Okay, we’ve got Chet’s famous super cheesy scrambled eggs ♪
(Lucy humming)
♪ And Blanche’s famous bacon ♪
♪ That spells your name. ♪
Here you go…
Britney.
Wait.
I can’t say my name is Britney.
That would be a lie.
Yes.
But we aren’t “stupposed” to lie.
Don’t think of it as lying.
Think of it as highstakes pretending.
Well, I’m not going to.
Ah, just a little white lie.
Nope.
Agnes, as your father, I command you to lie.
No.
Yes, lie.
Mmmm.
You are walking on thin ice, little lady.
Hmph.
(Gru Jr. giggling, munching)
Why can’t you be more like your sister Edith?
She lies all the time.
No, I don’t.
See? See?
She’s lying right now.
Beautifully, I might add.
LUCY: Okay, you guys.
This is our first big day in Mayflower,
and I say we make it a great one.
Right, Chet Jr.?
Woohoo! Mayflower!
(Gru Jr. squeals excitedly)
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