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WARNER BROTHERS BUMPER
MATTEL BUMPER
OPENING CREDITS
Wind whooshes in the background as the opening credits play.
CUT TO: EXT. ANCIENT EARTH, DAWN
The sun rises over rocky terrain. Cut between several shots of the area.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Since the beginning of time, since the first little girl ever existed—
Objects litter the area.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) —there have been dolls.
Two young girls play with dolls. A baby carriage sits nearby.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) But the dolls were always and forever baby dolls.
Several girls sit idly with their dolls. One girl pushes a baby carriage.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) The girls who played with them could only ever play at being mothers. Which can be fun, at least for a while, anyway. Ask your mother.
Cut between several shots of girls playing with dolls. Cut to all of the girls sleeping in a rocky hole with their dolls. One of the girls gets up.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) This continued until…
"Thus Spoke Zarathustra" plays as the girl looks up at a towering Barbie silhouetted by the sun. The girls all get up and walk around her. A dull buzz fades in and out as one of the girls touches her leg. Cut to a wide shot as Barbie smiles and lowers her sunglasses, winking at the girls. One of the girls destroys several dolls as well as some teapots. All of the other girls join in. The first gir
TITLE CARD
The title disappears to reveal Barbie in a plain white environment. Zoom in on her.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Yes, Barbie changed everything. Then, she changed it all again.
The shot pulls back to show several other Barbies. They rotate on circular platforms.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) All of these women are Barbie, and Barbie is all of these women. She might have started out as just a lady in a bathing suit, but she became so much more.
The camera pans past several Barbies in different outfits.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) She has her own money, her own house, her own car, her own career. Because Barbie can be anything, women can be anything. And this has been reflected back onto the little girls of today in the Real World.
Cut to an aerial shot of Barbieland. The camera pans over to the "Real World." Cut between several shots of girls with Barbies wearing identical outfits.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Girls can grow into women, who can achieve everything and anything they set their mind to.
Cut to a huge crowd of Barbies. The camera pans above the crowd and into the clouds.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Thanks to Barbie, all problems of feminism and equal rights have been solved.
Cut back to an aerial shot of Barbieland.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) At least that's what the Barbies think. After all, they're living in Barbie Land. Who am I to burst their bubble?
The shot zooms in on Barbie's Dreamhouse. Her roof opens as the camera approaches.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) And here is one of those Barbies now, living her best day every day.
Barbie lies asleep in bed. "Pink" by Lizzo begins playing. The lyrics of the song describe the scene as it continues.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) When I wake up in my own pink world
I get up out of bed and wave to my homegirls
Hey, Barbie (Hey), she's so cool
All dolled up, just playin' chess by the pool
Come on, we got important things to do
It's her (Ayy), and her (Ayy), and me, and you
After waving at several other Barbies, Barbie goes downstairs.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) In pink
Goes with everything
Beautiful from head to toe
I'm read' to go, you know, you know
It's pink
Good enough to drink
We like other colors but
Pink just looks so good on us
Barbie approaches her wardrobe.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) What you wearing? Dress or suit?
Either way, that power looks so good on you
Hey, Barbie I like your style
If that was really a mirror you'd see a perfect smile
After getting ready for the day, Barbie takes a slide down to her pool.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) Round and round and round and round and
That's my Barbie
Go Barbie, go Barbie
That's my Barbie
Ooh, ooh, ooh
That's my Barbie
Go Barbie, go Barbie
That's my Barbie
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Come on, we got important things to do
It's her (Ayy), and her (Ayy), and me (Ayy), and you
In pink
Goes with everything (Oh yeah)
Beautiful from head to toe
I'm read' to go, you know, you know
It's pink (Pretty pink)
Good enough to drink (Oh yeah)
We like other colors, but
Pink just looks so good on us
P, pretty
I, intelligent
N, never sad
K, cool
Barbie looks out at Barbieland from her house.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) When you're playing with Barbies nobody bothers to walk them down the stairs and out the door, et cetera. You just pick them up and put them where you want them to go.
Barbie floats down to the ground from her house.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) You'd better fly girl, yeah, yeah
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) You use your imagination.
Barbie comes to a stop in the front seat of her car.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) Hey, I was still singin'
Barbie begins driving out of her cul de sac and waves at several people as she goes.
SKIPPER: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE: Hi, Skipper.
MIDGE: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE: And Midge.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Midge was Barbie's pregnant friend.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) Hey, Midge
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Let's not show Midge, actually.
The camera quickly pans past Midge.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) She was discontinued by Mattel because a pregnant doll is just too weird. Anyway, Barbie has another big day ahead of her.
"Pink" continues as a wide shot shows Barbie driving through Barbieland.
BARBIES: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE: Morning, Barbie. Hi.
BARBIE 1: Good morning.
BARBIE 2: Good morning.
BARBIE 3: Another great day.
BARBIE 4: Good morning, Barbie.
STREET SWEEPER BARBIE: Hi.
BARBIE: Hey, ladies.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER BARBIE: Hi.
CUT TO: INT. PINK HOUSE
President Barbie addresses everyone in her office.
PRESIDENT BARBIE: Everybody, turn to the Barbie next to you. Tell her how much you love her. Compliment her.
The other Barbies in the room all turn to nearby Barbies.
PRESIDENT BARBIE: Reporter Barbie, you can ask me any question you want.
REPORTER BARBIE: Well, how come you're so amazing?
PRESIDENT BARBIE: No comment.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) Black Barbie, President Black Barbie, President
PRESIDENT BARBIE: No, seriously, no comment.
Everyone laughs.
BARBIE: Ah, I love you guys.
CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM
Diplomat Barbie stands at a podium.
DIPLOMAT BARBIE: The Nobel Prize for Journalism goes to…
Cut to a shot of the room. Four Barbies sit in chairs on stage.
DIPLOMAT BARBIE: Barbie.
Everyone applauds. Journalist Barbie gets up to receive her award.
JOURNALIST BARBIE: I work very hard, so I deserve it.
DIPLOMAT BARBIE: And the Nobel Prize for Literature goes to… Barbie.
Everyone applauds. Writer Barbie gets up to receive her award.
DIPLOMAT BARBIE: You're the voice of a generation.
WRITER BARBIE: I know.
CUT TO: INT. SUPREME COURT
Lawyer Barbie presents an argument to the Barbie Supreme Court.
LAWYER BARBIE: In our assessment, money is not speech, and corporations have no free speech rights to begin with. So any claim on their part to be exercising a right is just their attempt to turn our democracy into a plutocracy.
All of the Barbies in the audience get up and applaud.
LAWYER BARBIE: This makes me emotional, and I'm expressing it. I have no difficulty holding both logic and feeling at the same time. And it does not diminish my powers. It expands them.
The applause starts up again.
CUT TO: EXT. BARBIELAND
Barbie drives down a road. The shot zooms in on an airplane above her head.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) Oh, pink
PILOT BARBIE: Hi, Barbie!
Barbie salutes Pilot Barbie.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) What can't Barbie do?
The plane zooms off, revealing two astronauts.
ASTRONAUT BARBIES: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE: Yay, space!
The astronauts high-five.
BARBIE: Gosh.
Cut to a wide shot. Barbie admires a sculpture of four Barbies in the distance.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) See you later.
Barbie arrives at the Beach.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Barbie has a great day every day, but Ken only has a great day if Barbie looks at him.
Ken stands on the beach with a surfboard. He watches as Barbie arrives.
KEN: Hi, Barbie!
BARBIE: Hi, Ken.
Several characters at the beach greet each other in succession.
BARBIE 1: Hi, Barbie!
BARBIE 2: Hi, Barbie!
TOURIST KEN: Hi, Barbie.
Ken groans.
BARBIE: Hi, Ken.
TOURIST KEN: Hi, Ken.
STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Hi, Ken.
BASKETBALL KEN: Hi, Ken.
ARTIST KEN: Hi, Ken.
BASKETBALL KEN: I got us both ice creams.
KEN: Cool.
WRITER BARBIE: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE: Hi, Barbie.
JUDGE BARBIE: Hi, Barbie.
PHYSICIST BARBIE: Hi, Barbie.
PRESIDENT BARBIE: Hi, Barbie.
BASKETBALL KEN: Hi, Barbie.
DOCTOR BARBIE: Hi, Barbie!
LAWYER BARBIE: Hi, Ken.
Several Barbies and Kens talk over each other.
MERMAID BARBIE: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE: Hi, Barbie.
MERMAID BARBIES: Hi, Barbies.
BARBIES & KENS: Bye, Barbies.
MERMAID BARBIES: Bye, Barbie.
ALLAN: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE: Oh, hi, Allan.
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) There are no multiples of Allan. He's just Allan.
ALLAN: Yeah, I'm, I… I'm confused about that.
KEN: Hey, Barbie. Check me out.
Barbie and Tourist Ken watch Ken prepare to surf. As he steadies himself, Barbie nods at him. Several other characters watch. He begins running on the beach.
ALLAN: Ken!
Ken runs out into the fake water. He hits a wave and is sent soaring through the air.
BARBIE: Ooh!
ALLAN: No!
TOURIST KEN: Oh!
Several other characters gasp.
KEN: Oh, no!
He thuds onto the beach. His surfboard lands nearby. Everyone gets up. Barbie and Judge Barbie walk over to see if Ken is alright.
TOURIST KEN: That's gotta hurt.
BARBIE: Ken.
KEN: Oh, hey, Barbie.
BARBIE: Hi.
KEN: How much of that did you see?
BARBIE: We saw the whole thing.
JUDGE BARBIE: Let's get you up on your feet, Ken. There you go.
Barbie and Judge Barbie help Ken to his feet.
KEN: You guys are so strong.
JUDGE BARBIE: Use your legs. There he is.
BARBIE: You okay?
KEN: Yep. Totally.
They help Ken walk. Tourist Ken laughs.
TOURIST KEN: Ah, looks like this beach was a little too much beach for you, Ken.
KEN: If I wasn't severely injured, I would beach you off right now, Ken.
TOURIST KEN: I'll beach off with you any day, Ken.
Basketball Ken holds out an ice cream cone for Ken. Ken pushes it away.
KEN: Hold my ice cream, Ken.
He steps up to Tourist Ken.
KEN: All right, Ken, you're on. Let's beach off.
BASKETBALL KEN: Anyone who wants to beach him off has to beach me off first.
TOURIST KEN: I will beach both of you off at the same time.
Cut briefly to Allan as he observes the exchange.
KEN: But you don't even know how to beach yourself off. How you gonna beach both of us off?
BARBIE: Okay.
KEN: It doesn't make sense.
BARBIE: Uh, Kens?
TOURIST KEN: Why are you getting emotional?
KEN: You're gonna beach both of us off?
TOURIST KEN: So you can beach yourself off!
BARBIE: Come on, Kens. Nobody's gonna beach anyone off.
TOURIST KEN: Okay. Let's go.
Tourist Ken leaves. Ken collapses against Barbie. An ambulance arrives.
BARBIE: Okay, okay. You did so well. You still hurt? We'll get you fixed up.
Lawyer Barbie opens up the ambulance. Doctor Barbie and Writer Barbie wheel out a stretcher.
DOCTOR BARBIE: Go.
WRITER BARBIE: Go.
Ken gets on the stretcher.
KEN: Barbie, hold my hand!
She grabs his hand.
KEN: Stay with me, Barbie!
Ken gets checked out in the ambulance.
DOCTOR BARBIE: Great. Not even broken. You'll be fine.
KEN: Shredding waves is much more dangerous than people realize.
BARBIE: You're very brave, Ken.
KEN: Thank you, Barbie.
BARBIE: Yeah.
KEN: You know surfer is not even my job.
BARBIE: I know.
KEN: And it is not lifeguard, which is a common misconception.
WRITER BARBIE: Very common.
KEN: Because actually my job… It's just beach.
BARBIE: Right.
DOCTOR BARBIE: And what a good job you do at beach.
WRITER BARBIE: You should heal up in no time. Actually, in the time that it took for me to say that sentence, you healed.
KEN: Fantastic.
BARBIE: Nice.
KEN: Haha. Hey, Barbie?
BARBIE: Yeah?
KEN: Can I come to your house tonight?
BARBIE: Sure.
KEN: Yes.
BARBIE: I don't have anything big planned. Just a giant blowout party with all the Barbies and planned choreography and a bespoke song. You should stop by.
KEN: So cool.
BARBIE: Yeah. Okay. Bye.
KEN: Okay. Alright. Goodbye.
"Dance The Night" begins playing. Ken smiles as Barbie walks away..
CUT TO: EXT BARBIE'S DREAMHOUSE
Cut to the party at Barbie's house that night. Barbie, Physicist Barbie, and Judge Baribe dance in the middle of the cul de sac while dozens of other Barbieland residents dance on the sidelines. Lawyer Barbie leads a group to dance in the middle. Wheelchair Vet Barbie leads another group. Ken and Basketball Ken nod along off to the side. Doctor Barbie is shown DJing. President Barbie leads dozens
TOURIST KEN: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE: Hi, Ken.
Ken watches, upset. Stereotypical Ken lifts Barbie up and leads her into a dance with Tourist Ken.
TOURIST KEN: Looking good, Barbie.
BARBIE: Thanks, Ken.
Ken shoves his drink into Basketball Ken's hands and makes his way onto the dancefloor. A line dance forms with Basketball Ken, Ken, Barbie, Tourist Ken, Artist Ken, and Stereotypical Ken.
BARBIE: Oh, hi, Ken.
KEN: Hi!
KEN: Yes, yes, yes!
Some offscreen Barbies beckon Barbie over.
BARBIE 1: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE 2: Hi, Barbie.
BARBIE: Barbies!
Barbie walks out of frame, leaving Ken next to Tourist Ken in the line dance.
TOURIST KEN: What's up, Ken?
The Kens continue dancing. Eventually, Artist Ken and Stereotypical Ken walk off to the side while Tourist Ken prepares to do a flip.
TOURIST KEN: Hey, Barbie. Check me out.
Barbie and several other Barbies come back to the dancefloor. Tourist Ken does an impressive flip.
TOURIST KEN: Bet you can't do a flip like that, Ken!
KEN: What?
Several Barbies dance in a circle.
WRITER BARBIE: This is a real rager, Barbie.
BARBIE: Thanks, Barbie. Gosh, this night is just perfect.
LAWYER BARBIE: It's perfectly perfect.
PHYSICIST BARBIE: And you look so beautiful, Barbie.
BARBIE: Thanks, Barbie. I feel so beautiful.
LAWYER BARBIE: So do I.
DOCTOR BARBIE: This is the best day ever.
BARBIE: It is the best day ever. And so is yesterday, and so is tomorrow, and so is the day after tomorrow and even Wednesdays and every day from now until forever.
Everyone cheers.
BARBIE: You guys ever think about dying?
The music abruptly stops and all of the partygoers cease dancing. Several stare at Barbie in disbelief. No one says anything for a few moments.
BARBIE: (Mumbling) I don't know why I just said that.
She takes a moment.
BARBIE: I'm just dying to dance.
The music starts up again. Writer Barbie cheers. Everyone resumes dancing. Barbie continues with a less enthused look on her face. An aerial shot of the cul de sac fades into a shot of a disco ball and then the Moon. "Dance The Night" fades out as "Silver Platter" begins to play. Pan down to Barbie and Ken. Ken tries to kiss Barbie, but she stays still. After a few moments, he pulls back.
KEN: Wow.
BARBIE: You can go now.
KEN: I thought I might stay over tonight.
BARBIE: Why?
KEN: Because we're girlfriend-boyfriend.
BARBIE: To do what?
KEN: I'm actually not sure.
BARBIE: Oh, but I don't want you here.
KEN: Mmm-hmm. Is it Ken?
BARBIE: Ken's just a really good friend. And this is my Dreamhouse. It's Barbie's Dreamhouse. It's not Ken's Dreamhouse. Right?
Ken laughs.
KEN: Right as always.
BARBIE: And it's girls' night.
Cut to a wide shot which shows several Barbies in pajamas hanging out in Barbie's house. "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" is playing inside.
WRITER BARBIE: Come on, Barbie! Slumber party!
DOCTOR BARBIE: Hurry up. The President's here.
PRESIDENT BARBIE: I am. You're welcome.
KEN: Every night is girls' night.
BARBIE: Mmm-hmm. Every night. Forever.
KEN: Every night.
BARBIE: Forever and ever. Good night.
KEN: Good night.
Barbie runs into her house. She and the other Barbies scream at each other.
KEN: (Whispering) I love you, too.
BARBIES: Girls' night! Girls' night!
KEN: I can't. I gotta go.
BARBIES: Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night!
He leaves. Cut to a wide shot of the cul de sac.
BARBIES: Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night!
Cut to Barbie laying down in bed.
BARBIE: Good night, Barbies! I'm definitely not thinking about death anymore.
She smiles and closes her eyes but opens them a moment later and stares at the ceiling. Cut back to a wide shot of the cul de sac. Time passes. The moon sets and the sun rises. Birds chirp as the camera arrives back at Barbie's bed. "Pink (Bad Day)" by Lizzo begins to play, startling Barbie awake. Barbie goes through another morning, much less enthused than the previous morning.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) When I wake up in my own pink world
WRITER BARBIE: Hey, Barbie.
Writer Barbie waves. Barbie sluggishly waves back.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) I get up out of bed and wave to my homegirls
Hey, Barbie (Hey...), why so stressed?
MAILPERSON BARBIE: Hi, Barbie.
Barbie waves at her while rubbing her eye.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) Could it be those irrepressible—
GARBAGEPEOPLE BARBIES: Hi, Barbie.
They wave.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) —thoughts of death
Come on, we got important things to
Barbie smells her breath.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) Ooh!
It's her (Ayy), and her (Ayy), and me, and you
In pink
Goes with everything
Barbie shirks back from her shower.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) Ooh, that's cold
Beautiful from head to toe
I'm read' to go, you know, you know
It's pink (It's gon' be alright)
Good enough to drink
We like other colors, but
Pink just looks so good on us
Barbie's waffle comes out burnt.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) P, panic
I, I'm scared
Barbie spits out her milk and realizes it's expired.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) N, nauseous
K, death!
Barbie approaches her balcony.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) That's my Barbie (Go, Barbie, go, Barbie)
That's my Barbie (Ooh, ooh, ooh)
Barbie attempts to float down to her car but falls down into her yard.
LIZZO: (Voiceover) Ooh, ooh, girl, you okay?
MAILPERSON BARBIE: Hi, Barbie.
Barbie gets up.
BARBIE: I'm fine. A-okay.
CUT TO: EXT. BEACH
Cut to a close-up of a volleyball as a Barbie serves it. Several Kens cheer from the sidelines of the game.
TOURIST KEN: Let's go, Barbie!
ALLAN: Great cheer, Kens.
Some Barbies high-five each other as Barbie arrives at the beach.
BARBIE 1: Hey, Barbie.
Barbie waves. Judge Barbie and Doctor Barbie stretch nearby.
JUDGE BARBIE: Come on, Barbie. Let's run towards the water.
BARBIE: Okay.
Barbie takes her shoes off. Her feet fall flat on the ground. She tumbles over. She gets up and gasps when she looks at her feet.
BARBIE: Oh! My feet!
Basketball Ken is shown with some binoculars nearby. He looks over.
BARBIE: Oh, no.
She struggles up onto a set of bleachers. Several other Barbies gather around.
PHYSICIST BARBIE: Hey, Barbie.
BARBIE: Hi.
BARBIE 2: Are you okay?
DOCTOR BARBIE: Hey, Barbie.
BARBIE: Yeah, Barbie. I just fell.
DOCTOR BARBIE: Fell?
BARBIE: I'm so embarrassed.
WRITER BARBIE: Barbie doesn't get embarrassed.
BARBIE: I know. Barbie, I , I don't even have context for this, but my feet, my heels are on the ground. I'm no longer on tiptoes.
DOCTOR BARBIE: That's okay. Let me see.
Barbie lifts a foot into the air. Everyone gasps.
DOCTOR BARBIE: Flat feet!
The nearby Barbies all retch or scream.
DOCTOR BARBIE: (Sobbing) Oh, no!
Basketball Ken retches nearby.
LAWYER BARBIE: Stop it, Ken.
BASKETBALL KEN: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
BARBIE: I know I'm Stereotypical Barbie and therefore don't form conjectures concerning the causality of adjacent unfolding events, but some things have been happening that might be related.
She sighs.
BARBIE: Bad breath this morning, a cold shower, burnt waffle, and falling off my roof.
WRITER BARBIE: You're malfunctioning.
BARBIE: What? No, I'm just, I'm… Am I?
PHYSICIST BARBIE: I've never seen this kind of malfunction before. It's usually just hair-related. You know, you're gonna have to visit Weird Barbie.
BARBIE: I have never had to visit Weird Barbie.
DOCTOR BARBIE: That's because you've never malfunctioned.
LAWYER BARBIE: I heard that she used to be the most beautiful Barbie of all, but then someone played with her too hard in the Real World.
"Spice Up Your Life" plays as a montage begins of a girl in the Real World playing with a Barbie doll. She cuts off its hair, hits it with a dinosaur toy, scribbles on its face, colors its hair, takes a lighter to its hair, forces it into the splits, and throws it violently. Cut back to Barbieland.
DOCTOR BARBIE: And now she's fated to an eternity of making other Barbies perfect while falling more and more into disrepair herself. That, and we all call her Weird Barbie both behind her back and also to her face.
BARBIE: She's so weird. Why is she always in the splits?
CUT TO: INT. WEIRD BARBIE'S ESTATE
Cut to the gates of Weird Barbie's property opening to allow Barbie in. Cut to Barbie approaching the entrance.
BARBIE: I would never wear heels if my feet were shaped this way.
She enters the open foyer.
BARBIE: Hello?
TANNER: Woof.
Tanner the Dog slides through the room, dropping poop pellets as he goes.
TANNER: Bark.
Barbie looks grossed out.
TANNER: Woof. Bark.
He leaves.
WEIRD BARBIE: Hey.
Barbie looks up and sees Weird Barbie doing the splits on the upper floor.
WEIRD BARBIE: What's cookin', good-lookin'?
BARBIE: Hi.
WEIRD BARBIE: Welcome. Welcome to my Weirdhouse.
Weird Barbie flips down to the ground floor and shakes Barbie's hand.
WEIRD BARBIE: Hi, how are ya? Nice to meet you. Sorry about the dog crap. What can I do ya for?
BARBIE: I just had to come see you about my feet. They're, um…
She takes her shoes off and steps onto the carpet. Weird Barbie does the splits to get a closer look.
WEIRD BARBIE: Flat.
BARBIE: Yeah.
WEIRD BARBIE: Never seen that before.
BARBIE: Really?
WEIRD BARBIE: Whoa.
BARBIE: Okay. Well, can you, you know, fix them?
WEIRD BARBIE: You're Stereotypical Barbie, right?
BARBIE: Mmm-hmm.
WEIRD BARBIE: That Ken of yours, he is one nice-looking little protein pot.
BARBIE: I guess.
WEIRD BARBIE: I'd like to see what kind of nude blob he's packing under those jeans. Anyway, what preceded this?
BARBIE: Oh, nothing. A really fun game of volleyball…
WEIRD BARBIE: That's it?
BARBIE: (Mumbling) Thoughts of death.
WEIRD BARBIE: What is it?
BARBIE: (Hesitantly) Maybe some thoughts of death?
WEIRD BARBIE: Thoughts of death!
BARBIE: Is that a problem?
WEIRD BARBIE: Oh.
BARBIE: What?
Weird Barbie walks over to some storage and pulls out a paper fortune teller.
WEIRD BARBIE: I've heard of this. Of course, I didn't think it was possible, but it's real.
Weird Barbie rapidly manipulates the paper fortune teller at Barbie.
WEIRD BARBIE: Oh, you've done it. You've opened a portal.
She puts the paper fortune teller away.
BARBIE: I didn't open a portal.
WEIRD BARBIE: Someone did.
She pulls out a pointer. Another Barbie appears and pulls out a map of Barbieland.
WEIRD BARBIE: And now, there is a rip in the continuum that is the membrane between Barbie Land and the Real World.
The other Barbie turns the map around to reveal a map of the Real World.
WEIRD BARBIE: And if you wanna be Stereotypical Barbie perfect again, then, baby girl, you gotta go fix it. Or you're gonna keep going funny. Look at your upper thigh.
Barbie looks at her upper thigh.
BARBIE: What is that?
WEIRD BARBIE: That's cellulite. That's gonna spread everywhere.
BARBIE: What?
WEIRD BARBIE: And then you're gonna start getting sad and mushy and complicated.
BARBIE: No!
Weird Barbie hisses.
BARBIE: What do I have to do?
WEIRD BARBIE: You have to go to the Real World.
BARBIE: Okay.
WEIRD BARBIE: And you have to find the girl who's playing with you.
BARBIE: Playing with me?
WEIRD BARBIE: We're all being played with, babe. But usually there's some kind of separation.
Another Barbie arrives and pulls down a diagram of a girl and a Barbie.
WEIRD BARBIE: Thanks. There's the girl and the doll. And never the twain shall cross.
BARBIE: The twain is crossing?
WEIRD BARBIE: Yes. And the girl who's playing with you, she must be sad, and her thoughts and feelings and humanness are interfering with your dollness.
BARBIE: Why would she be sad? We fixed everything so that all women in the Real World can be happy and powerful.
WEIRD BARBIE: I don't know, but if you ask me, you had something to do with this, too.
BARBIE: Me?
WEIRD BARBIE: Takes two to rip a portal.
BARBIE: I can't have. I've only ever wanted for everything to stay exactly as it is.
WEIRD BARBIE: Well, be that as it may, the two of you are becoming inextricably intertwined. And you gotta help her to help yourself.
Barbie looks closer at the diagram.
BARBIE: So, should… Whoo!
Weird Barbie holds a pink high heel in one hand and a Birkenstock sandal in the other.
WEIRD BARBIE: So, what'll it be then? You can go back to your regular life and forget any of this ever happened, or you can know the truth about the universe. The choice is now yours.
BARBIE: The first one. The high heel.
WEIRD BARBIE: No. We'll do a re-do. You're supposed to want to know.
BARBIE: I don't.
WEIRD BARBIE: Mmm. Babe, listen. You have to want to know, okay? Do it again.
BARBIE: I'm not Adventure Barbie. I'm Stereotypical Barbie. I'm like the Barbie you think of when someone says, "Think of a Barbie." That's me.
WEIRD BARBIE: I'm bummed. You're a bummer. That's a bummer.
BARBIE: Okay, I'm ready to forget now.
She closes her eyes. Weird Barbie waves the sandal at her.
WEIRD BARBIE: No! You're doing this one! I just gave you a choice so you could feel some sense of control.
Barbie opens her eyes.
BARBIE: So there is no option one?
WEIRD BARBIE: No! You have to fix the rip yourself. Don't blame me, blame Mattel. They make the rules.
BARBIE: Oh, I don't want to.
WEIRD BARBIE: Fine, get cellulite. I don't care.
BARBIE: No! No, no, no. No. Okay. Yeah. Send me through the portal. Okay. There's actually no portal.
BARBIE: Oh.
WEIRD BARBIE: It's a figure of speech.
Weird Barbie pulls out a guidebook with written and drawn instructions.
WEIRD BARBIE: It's actually a sports car to a speedboat, to a rocket ship, to a tandem bike, to a camper van, fun, to a snowmobile, brr, which will take you most of the way to the state of Los Angeles, where you will don neon and Rollerblades, and enter the country of California.
She gestures to the map of the Real World.
WEIRD BARBIE: Weird, I know. Best if you don't think about it too much.
BARBIE: And then when I get there, how do I find this girl?
WEIRD BARBIE: You will know.
BARBIE: Okay. And how do I get back?
WEIRD BARBIE: The same way you came, but in reverse.
BARBIE: Like I should move forward but do the order backward or—
WEIRD BARBIE: Don't overthink it.
BARBIE: Oh. Okay.
Weird Barbie pulls out a snow globe of the Weirdhouse.
WEIRD BARBIE: For you see, if you do not find her and fix things, what's ugly will become uglier, and what's weird will become weirder. And then you'll look like me.
Weird Barbie pulls the snow globe away to reveal her face.
BARBIE: Ahh! Oh. Sorry.
WEIRD BARBIE: I understand. I set myself up for that. Anyway, I believe in you.
BARBIE: Thank you.
WEIRD BARBIE: Go. Be careful. I love you.
BARBIE: Bye.
WEIRD BARBIE: Bye.
CUT TO: EXT. CUL DE SAC
Cut to a banner hung above the cul de sac. The camera pulls back to a wide shot as dozens of Barbies and Kens read the banner aloud.
ALL: Bon voyage to reality, and good luck restoring the membrane that separates our world from theirs so you don't get cellulite!
They all cheer. Cut to the five main Kens standing by the pool. Tourist Ken leans over to Ken.
TOURIST KEN: I guess she's going without you. You're so lost, Ken.
KEN: She literally asked me. And I was like, "I prefer to stay here."
TOURIST KEN: Why? Are you scared?
KEN: No.
Tourist Ken laughs.
TOURIST KEN: I bet you're scared. And I bet she doesn't even want you to go.
KEN: Well, you bet both those things incorrectly, and I bet in the opposite direction.
TOURIST KEN: Yeah?
KEN: Yeah.
TOURIST KEN: Which way is that? You don't even know.
Cut to Barbie next to her car surrounded by other Barbies.
BARBIE: I just don't want to leave. I'm trying to find reasons not to leave.
BARBIE 1: Please stay.
BARBIE: I'm gonna miss you guys so much.
Cut to Ken as Barbie continues talking.
BARBIE: I just wish someone could come with me, but you can't. I should do this alone.
BASKETBALL KEN: What bird am I thinking of?
ARTIST KEN: Parrot.
STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Dolphin. I mean, no, a bird.
BASKETBALL KEN: Pelican.
ARTIST KEN: Ohh.
STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Man.
BARBIE 1: We'll miss you, Barbie.
BARBIE: I'll be back in no time, with perfect feet, and we'll forget that this ever happened.
Ken sees Barbie sitting in the driver's seat.
PHYSICIST BARBIE: And you'll get to see all the good work we've done to fix the world.
JUDGE BARBIE: You'll be such a hero to them.
LAWYER BARBIE: All those grateful, powerful women who owe their wonderful lives to Barbie.
WRITER BARBIE: I'll bet every woman will say thank you and give you a really big hug.
BARBIE: Yes, you're right. Here I go.
"Closer to Fine" begins as he starts her car.
BARBIES: Bye.
Mermaid Barbie appears out of the Dreamhouse pool.
MERMAID BARBIE: Bye, Barbie. Good luck in reality.
BARBIE 1: Watch for cellulite!
Cut to the edge of Barbieland. Barbie sings along with "Closer to Fine" as she drives.
BARBIE & RADIO: I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
Closer I am to fine
Ken arises from the back seat and begins to sing along.
BARBIE, KEN, & RADIO: Closer I am to fi—
Barbie screams. Ken screams. Barbie swerves the car, sending it flying through the air. The radio distorts. The car lands.
BARBIE: What are you doing here?
KEN: I'm coming with you.
BARBIE: No. Please get out.
KEN: I can't. I made a double bet with Ken, and you can't make me look uncool in front of Ken.
BARBIE: Ken's not cool!
KEN: He is to me.
BARBIE: You're just gonna slow me down.
KEN: Barbie, what if there's beach? You'll need someone who's a professional in that.
There's a beat.
BARBIE: Did you bring your rollerblades?
He lifts up a pair of rollerblades.
KEN: I literally go nowhere without them. Please?
BARBIE: Okay.
KEN: Wow.
BARBIE: Let's do this.
KEN: Can I sit in the front?
BARBIE: No.
The car drives past a sign which reads, "Real World This Way."
NARRATOR: (Voiceover) And so Barbie and Ken set off on their adventure to the Real World.
"Journey To The Real World" plays over a montage of Barbie and Ken making their way along the instructions Weird Barbie provided. The camera tracks as they drive out of Barbieland, take a speedboat, ride a rocket ship, a tandem bike, camp in a van, ride a snowmobile, and rollerblade into a Los Angeles beach in the Real World.
KEN: Barbie.
BARBIE: Wow.
She laughs as they look around the real world. "WATATI" plays as they rollerblade around.
BARBIE: Wow. This is the Real World.
KEN: Barbie, I told you there'd be beach.
BARBIE: Yeah.
Barbie notices many men ogling her as they rollerblade. Some women and a man laugh at her.
KEN: Hmm.
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