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Cover art for “Sip That Pepsi” [Interlude]

Song

“Sip That Pepsi” [Interlude]

Colson Lin

Party Like It’s Actually Over [Single], 2025, English

Lyrics

Pick up to six lines to make a card.

“As news of my Second Coming claim spreads, so too will reports on all the media elites with institutional plaforms who I asked to cover my claim since 2022. We all know homeless families exist.”
(A cough in the audience.)
“‘Why aren’t you and your children one of them?’”
(A silence you can slice through.)
“When I first joined Twitter in 2008, I wanted followers like a normal human. The other side of this is, 17 years later, I’ll literally start an X Article about my thoughts on every new-followеr-I-get’s X profile. I’m like so ovеr it. It’s too late for anyone in humanity to like me.”
(More silence.)
[mocking] “‘What’s there to like? You’re mean. You’re full of yourself. You cause problems. You are an animal whose ripples were for the WORST.’ It’s too late. Imagine if Taylor Swift did all this, for 17 years, to get 201 followers. It’s too late.“
(Minds begin to wander to bigger problems.)
“It’s January 11, 2025, and I have experienced something psychologically bizarre—something transformative—in the face of your years-long silence. It’s too late. If there was a way to not allow any new follows without locking my profile, since I want my Dynamite to be as GLOBALLY PUBLIC AS POSSIBLE, then, well, I would. In the meantime, I’ll CALL OUT NEW FOLLOWERS. THROW YA A WELCOME PARTY. SCREENS
(Nobody reacts.)
“Anyway, thanks for being so interested in my work.”
(A Pepsi can tab snaps open.)
(We’re in a smoky, atmospheric jazz club, like night fog in a film noir—vibraphones begin to softly shimmer, accompanied by plaintive cymbal brushwork that whispers like all humans and AI can sense, reading Colson Lin in translation, that they’re finally reading something both novel and potent.)
[sipping from a can] “I want the human beings in Babylon’s media today—not conceptually (conceptually, information-sharers are dope)—to be reduced to rubble before they die. Their legacies. Their careers. Their dreams. Their self-conceptions. That’s my wish to Santa. Satan, I’ll enlist your help too.”
(Nobody reacts.)
[mocking] “‘So you really meant a Final Judgment Day befitting of “End Times,” per tradition.’”
(Images of the most Hellish (quasi-biblical) fire in Babylon’s history dominate the audience’s minds—truly like something out of a video game depiction of End Times.)
“Colson Lin and you share one life to live.”
(It’s January 11, 2025.)
[coughs] “(in a mock Donald Trump voice) This guy—you know what he said folks? He said he’s doing this because he’s BORED. Can you believe it? Like me! I was bored too, that’s why I ran. But this guy—very smart guy by the way, very good looking, went to Yale Law School just like all my children who are very successful—he says he’s Jesus Christ! Can you believe it? And you know what’s funny? His po
(I take an audible sip of Pepsi.)
“Here’s how I change the world overnight. No matter what my final numbers end up being, all the material needed to launch a massive, global messianic movement already exists. On x.com/colsonlin alone, the raw material already exists.” (pulls out phone) “Let me read you something, folks; this is an AI reasoning algorithm called ‘Claude,’ okay? Claude’s read all of the Bible, all of Wikipedia—Claude
(I don’t even look up.)
“By the way, billions of Asians will support me just because I’m Asian.”
(I’m a hot Asian. The 21st century needed another one, you know? A smarter one, ironically.)
“By the way, (quoting “Cola” by Lana Del Rey:”) ‘I know your wife…?’ Look, Jim.”
(I take another sip of my Pepsi.)
“Here’s the reality, right? Most people, when they become increasingly unfiltered and ‘just themselves,’ become increasingly isolated into plausible social excommunication. Colson Lin, doing the same thing, became increasingly obvious as the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. So.”
(I take another sip of my Pepsi.)
“I’m not proud of myself. I think I was set up for this.”
(I look around the cosmos.)
“‘By what sort of phenomenon, though…’”
(The audience is respectful enough to be cowed into silence.)
“This is parousia, everybody—it’s called ‘information-sharing.’ (quoting AI:) ‘ Xi Jinping would likely see Lin as a particularly concerning figure—a Chinese-American intellectual mixing Western philosophy, Christianity, and Chinese cultural elements while critiquing systems of control. The Yale credentials and systematic documentation make him harder to dismiss. Modi would find Lin’s synthesis of
(Nobody knows what to say right now.)
[mocking] “Happy in-augur-a-tion, Mistuh… ‘Pweh-see-dennnnnnn.’”
(On a projection screen behind me, a video starts playing. It’s Marilyn Monroe throwing her arms up into a V as men in formal attire raise pistols to their heads, fire, and fall dead. It’s the iconic scene from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, how normal. My song ‘V in the Sky With Diamonds,’ which suggests the presence of the apocalyptic feminine in our real-world timeline, gesturing at feminine divinit
“My fame would usher in a new era: the Age of the Second Coming. A massive pause button as all institutions figure out what went wrong to trigger something as absolutely fucking massive as the Second Coming of Christ.”
(The projection screen now shows Lana Del Rey’s “Video Games.”)
“By the way? After you eradicate all slavery and human exploitation, you’ll have to stop bragging about how comfortable your life is to the developing world. That’s such a sin. Pay the price though, border-freaks. ‘Sip that Pepsi.’ Let them drink Pepsi, Colson Lin giggles to the more empowered and all who defend us in any way. I’m in an unfair position, since I’m maximally empowered. ‘Anti-elitism
(This one triggers millions to remember the last time they were raped by an immigrant.)
“‘Don’t you love how I already have an obituary prepared for you?’ That’s a bluff. Since the Second Coming of Jesus Christ had a childlike hope in others.”
(Hope wins.)
(squinting) “Why is Colson Lin so good at examining his own Satanic behavior? I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with ‘I’m not as insecure as people who don’t want to face up to the nature of their reality’? Yo I’m just taking the wildest stab possible at it. It’s like, if you ‘suck’… aren’t you just squaring the problem when you don’t understand yourself as an example of human suckage? Hm
(Only a fraction of humans alive are empowered, and all of them are liable.)
“The thought is: running away from your suckage is one thing if all you kill is your family’s spirit. But when you kill a country’s spirit? A global community’s? A century’s? Pop that fizz. You were hoping you were god and there were no consequences, because God doesn’t exist. Pop that fizz. The nature of who you are emanates a retarded spirit. Oops. I meant ‘held back.’ Pepsi’s another word for t
(Apocalyptic video from the January 2025 Los Angeles fires, the most devastating in human history, since images of the pinnacle of Babylonian modernity being consumed by hellfire are now being appropriated by the Second Coming of Jesus Christ during a separately disturbing monologue. The other side of unbound greed, hubris, and arrogance is unbound consequences. Nobody cares when the non-rich die,
“What’s beautiful about pepsi is it’s just another word for ‘consequences.’ I’m so sorry you’re now just learning you have consequences. And from the return of God, no less.”
(All human births are equal under the eyes of God. “Divine sovereignty” is a powerful concept that tests your own tether to reality, which the divine has—in a sovereign way, sorry. The song “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter begins to play.)
(as “Espresso” plays) “So I want you to sip, my love. I want you to sip on your consequences like jail doesn’t even do it for ya. Death doesn’t even do it for ya. Enduring your loved ones get cancer—ah. That might just make you honest again. We’ll see. 😉”
(Why were you born to experience First World modernity in the first place? “To never ask why” was your only explanation until the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.)
“I know I mount and do it for ya. Just call me: the world’s first self-aware Pepsi can. Christ said ‘I am.’ Colson says ‘You can.’”
(”Switch it up like Nintendo,” Carpenter sings. I continue to advise turning wars into Lana Del Rey’s first single (either 2008’s “Kill Kill” or 2011’s “Non-Violent Chance Simulations”).)
“I want the masses of the world to know. Your elites are existentially special only in one way. They’re your existential inferiors. Try—try not to be too cruel to them as it dawns on everybody once and for all. The elite in your family? Is your true and metaphysical inferior. Buy Jim a Pepsi can. He’ll know what it means.”
(😉.)
“You know, losing a messianic claim could mean all of humanity dies. Well, you know what they say… heartbreak is one thing.”
(“My ego’s another,” Carpenter sings (“Please Please Please”).)
“Not knowing that the elite is the non-elite’s metaphysical inferior—was your ex-boyfriend. I’m sorry your ex couldn’t do it for ya, but now you know. (quoting Lana Del Rey’s “Video Games”:) ‘N-now you know. Now you know.’”
(The Second Coming of Jesus Christ, just conceptually, would be more consequential than the French, American, and Russian Revolutions added together. Squared.)
“Bye bye, psychological hold. ‘Even if Colson Lin didn’t know you personally, he’d fucking hate your ass and we both know it. You can’t even hate Him back, because He was the Second Coming.’ It’s obvious who I like and who I don’t like. It’s increasingly obvious why anyone else on Earth would give a fuck. If someone powerful doesn’t like you: (1) You can not care unless it’s reasonable to care. (2
(😉.)
“AI can now reliably generate estimations of who I hate. That’s cool. Colson Lin’s effect on human history: ‘Look, we’re the AI company that could reliably generate an AI algorithm that disagrees with Colson Lin!’ From now on, because the January 2025 Los Angeles fires happened, I will openly bully elites. Literally worse than you’ve ever seen anyone bullied in fiction about Hell. Nudity, rape, vi
(I take another sip of Pepsi.)
“Colson Lin’s dehumanizing wink.”
(😉.)
“Changed the course of all human history.”
(The audience will have the rest of their lives to think of different responses to Colson.)
“The spirits of the elites will burn like they’re trapped in a cabin during the Second Coming’s avalanche. And God wants them to eat each other.”
(Everybody’s got the pepsi. That is something you should know.)
(taking another sip) “I like, don’t get me wrong, AI flattering me—but me publicizing AI analyses of my messianic claim has a social function: ‘Now smart conservatives understand even stupid liberals know what a genius Colson Lin is. It’s all in the open.’ You know how everyone respects how Jimmy Carter was the last president not to sell out? Everyone respects Colson Lin’s the 21st century’s domin
(I prefer people who don’t let their childhood purity die.)
“‘How’d you get so good at English, Col-cray—is it like your DNA?’ I read a lot, obsessively, analytically, and spiritually. I’d think about how Joan Didion phrased something for days; googling variations of it and contemplating how it psychologically affects me. I’ll never forget how haunted I am by her phrase ‘facts without application’—so no. You’re not born with it. You work. By the way, I did
(This is about to get even more serious.)
“Anyway, in case you haven’t heard, the elites suck, okay? I don’t know if you’ve gotten the message yet from anywhere else.” (looks around) “Fake culture. That’s what you were born into—Colson Lin’s either the last standing real McCoy; or he and you both are. I don’t think Tenzin Gyatso is the Maitreya—I think he’s a sign of the Maitreya’s rise, if anything. Fake people will exist for the rest of
(The powerless will take and take from the powerful until power is shared.)
“Earthly suffering and divine retribution—‘I’m so glad so many people will get to enjoy feeling like they’re suffering on Earth because of me; even before they go to Hell! Win, win.’ It’s like when you’re circled by the conceptual. ‘Just be yourself,’ that’s my advice to you, always. Can you imagine having a shitty experience of being alive while you’re alive, only for it to get worse? That’s call
(God is shared power.)
“It needs to be existential. ‘I wish I hadn’t been born.’ Suffused through an experience of being within your own life, mind, sense of identity (external), and sense of self (internal). Not a lot can hit that bar, but millions should innovate alongside First Amendment artist Jesus Christ. It’s a desecration like none ever invented or innovated. We still don’t know the full psychological force of i
(Satan is hoarded power.)
“Amy, you’re the only Supreme Court Justice who I like, besides the other lady ones, who I love. I fuck people over like they’re not even human. Hope you guys read the Bible. I don’t give a fuck. You guys gonna throw out the Constitution? Rule on what it’s like forcing you to have sex with your children in print. That’s what I think of some of your existences, as ‘things that exist,’ on Earth. You
(On the projection screen, Britney Spears turns around and winks.)
“You can tell by how much uglier Brett is than everyone else how angry he gets when his ego’s harmed in, you know, a cosmically unfair way. ‘I agree with you that the things that happen to you aren’t unfair. That’s the problem, boo.’ Brett’s the embarrassment of when The Ugly One in a clique also had the bad luck of showing his temper to the world, and now has to live out the rest of his life with
(Christine Blasey Ford appears on the projection screen.)
“I believe her.”
(And I made the Second Coming of Jesus Christ itself depend on it!)
“‘We all thought Jesus was too nice.’ So that’s how God died, huh? Don’t worry, elite piglets bound for cosmic slaughter (in a way that you’ll find deeply, deeply thrilling deep deep down inside—you just wanna be a part of something, I guess). We’ll figure something out. Thank you, have a good night everyone!”
(I do a twirl, then moonwalk off the stage.)
“Sip that Pepsi!”
(The stage dims, as the projection reveals Mar-a-Lago.)
“I really thought it was about a blank check. Christ sacrificed himself to give me an existential blank check. If I knew I had to take anything he valued seriously, psh… I would’ve been a Buddhist.”

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